Found this diary note 📝 from February, things feel the same, if not worse. Thought I would share
Nothing floats my boat anymore
There is nothing I want to do, or continue doing. There is no spark in me anymore
There is no enjoyment in anything other than food, but I hate my appearance I can hardly bear look in the mirror
I hate what I see and I hate what I feel inside; I am not sure which is more
I know that I could make the changes needed, but I cannot face the failure of not being able to continue or the thought of failing.
Fear is my biggest obstacle holding me back. It is not as simple as try again to me, failure is shameful, failure destroys me and takes me to depths that you could hardly imagine.
When I try anything I do it wholeheartedly so I need to be almost sure of my capabilities and the outcome from the outset.
The chronic sadness and emptiness that I feel is killing my zest for life
The hurt and anger I have about early life is killing my future
I don't think I have reached the point in my life where nothing other than today matters.
The weight of yesterday and tomorrow sits so heavy on me it is almost unbearable to breathe.
I have no confidence or self esteem, and do not believe that I will now amount to anything, it feels like my life is already over.
I wanted to be a professional
With an office, and freedom to work my own hours.
I wanted to do humanitarian work overseas
I wanted to do work that I was proud of
I wanted to make a difference in the world
I wanted to help people who did not know that they could in fact help themselves if they only believed.
I wanted to challenge the systems that kept people down.
I wanted thanks, and for people to say my name with a positive emotion.
Instead; I got everything I didn't want.
I have a personality disorder, called Emotional Unstable Personlity Disorder (EUPD) also known as borderline personality disorder (BPD)
I have not being diagnosed long with this mental health problem, and am struggling trying to understand it, manage it and learn coping strategies. There is no medication available for this disorder, only therapy and commitment from me can help change the way my brain operates.
The medication helps control the symptoms, and generally keeps the darkness grey, but it is nothing but hard work if I want to stand any chance of recovery.
In addition to this diagnosis I was diagnosed with chronic depression, generalised anxiety disorder and post traumatic stress disorder.
That is a lot for anyone to get their head around, then we introduce self harm and suicide attempts, with chronic feelings of emptiness and never going to be good enough for anything. It is clear to see why the past 18 months have been a bit of a rollercoaster for me and my family.
The guilt is massive
The guilt is what eats you up in the small hours on the night.
You have your family sleeping and you are sitting or laying with your demons in full swing, unsure if you will be at home when the family wakes in the morning.